I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
