I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
