I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
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