hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
