i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
