Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
