Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
