Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize