It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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