I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
