i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
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