Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize