im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
