I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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