i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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