Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
