Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
