Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
