last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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