i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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