There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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