My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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