...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
