And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
