I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
