I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
