the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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