If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
