So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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