You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
