I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
