I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Green mimosas i think yes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
