Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
