Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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