mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
