you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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