my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
