I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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