stop calling my apartment porn island.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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