I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
