She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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