it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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