Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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