I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
