He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
