I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you had me at cake vodka
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
