Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
my poor anus
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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