I'm drive I can fine osifer
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
