i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
We are all done wearing pants today
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
