i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
