I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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