He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
