saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize