Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
