Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Damn victory sex feels great
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
