He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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