I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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