Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize